Taking Responsibility
A few years ago, there was a sequence of events that happened in my life that were both “big” and unfortunate. I responded how many people would have responded in that situation. I was angry. Pissed off. And it was the other people’s fault for doing what they did.
I’d never been more angry in my entire life.
But, somewhere, for some reason, I thought to myself, “I know I’m angry, but if I want anything to change in the future, I must take responsibility for everything that has happened.” I really don’t know where the idea came from, I just knew I had to do it.
It wasn’t pleasant. It was painful. Looking at two of these main situations and, to the average person, I’d been screwed pretty hard. I’d poured my heart and soul into both a relationship and a business that were both being ended sloppily, inconsiderately, abruptly and in some of the most careless ways possible.
Imagine the time when you’ve felt most taken advantage of, go to that place of hurt and pain, wallow in it, then take responsibility for everything that happened. Stop the blame, no matter how “obvious” it is. Stop your anger. Stop your frustration. Look at the situation and say to yourself that everything that happened was within your responsibility.
Switching from anger and blame to responsibility and compassion is like trying to make a fully-loaded freight train stop on a dime.
Taking responsibility for everything in your life is a difficult task. I started this practice more than five years ago and still struggle with it on a daily basis…sometimes big, sometimes small.
The good news is that it’s becoming much easier. It’s as though, through the practice, I’ve unloaded some of the cargo in that freight train of anger and blame. It’s still difficult to stop on a dime, but it’s much easier and continues to progress as such.
What’s made this easier is to continue accepting that I’m not taking as much responsibility as I could. That I’m blaming others more than I should. Or even my own “habits” – or other things that I might unconsciously blame as being just beyond my immediate control and something to work on “later.” Every day, no matter what happens, as soon as anger or blame comes up, it’s now a practice to say “ok, what did I do to make this happen?” And with that moment of accepting responsibility, comes freedom.
Responsibility and freedom are one and the same.
(I didn’t intend to make a political statement with this, but consider the political parties and which promote the greatest individual responsibility. Now consider which preach the most about freedom.)
What is Responsibility?
Responsibility, contrary to common belief, is not to accept “fault.” “Fault” is when you are the direct and most immediate cause of some effect.
Being responsible is to see how you contributed to a situation’s ability to play out.
Here’s an example to demonstrate the difference. You accidentally leave the stove on and your kitchen partner unknowingly touches the burner, burning themselves. Who’s at Fault is your partner and their carelessness around a dangerous situation. But you are able to take Responsibility, by acknowledging that your own carelessness contributed to, but maybe did not cause, the situation.
How that conversation might play out is that your partner might say “That was my fault, I should have been paying more attention.” And you might say “I’m sorry for not turning the burner off or leaving something on it so it might be harder to get hurt.”
Responsibility also has a second component. If what was described above is the “thinking” about how to take responsibility, it must also be followed up with action. Another way to consider this is that when you apologize and take responsibility, you’re also making an unspoken commitment of “I am also going to change my future behavior in this situation so that this doesn’t happen again.”
This second part, the followup action, is where I see myself and others actually struggle much less, though it’s not always easy. Where I see most people struggle is identifying how they were responsible for some particular outcome. Once you do this, if you’re truly taking responsibility, your actions much more easily evolve.
Where the followup action becomes the most difficult, however, I see in my own and others’ emotional responses. It’s as though our emotions have a gravity of their own that must be overcome in order to discover where responsibility can be taken, then how we can modify our actions in order to prevent an irresponsible response from coming up again.
Here are some obvious, and not so obvious, examples of where I’ve seen myself and others struggle taking responsibility.
- Romantic, business and personal conflict and/or breakups/separation. The closer the relationship, particularly romantically, the more complicated things get. If you really want to take the greatest amount of responsibility possible in your life, start here. It’s very worth it.
- Blaming habits, beliefs, values, etc. These may be deeply ingrained, but they are not permanent.
- Family. Enough said.
- The people you get along with the least. Here, the stereotypical “catty” girl image is easily conjured. Who frustrates you the most on a regular basis? This is another great place to start.
- Excuses, defensiveness and “explaining” yourself. It’s a trap that I see people fall into all the time, including myself.
- Customers, The Market, The Economy, etc. Always know that whatever the situation is that surrounds you, there is always a way to stack the odds in your favor. There’s no better reminder of this than Man’s Search for Meaning. The author, Viktor Frankl spent years in concentration camps. If you haven’t, go buy it right now so you can read it every year like I do. Even in a concentration camp, there were ways to stack the odds in your favor.
- Anything and everything about your “situation” in life.” There are obvious exceptions here, such as those who are born with disabilities, etc. Even still, I know some people with some of the most crippling diseases who are infinitely happier and more fulfilled than the “average” person. That’s taking responsibility.
- Not accepting death. Death is our single greatest fear. Blame, irresponsibility and conscious ignorance is our coverup for avoiding it. When you accept your death – your final unlucky moment – you accept that life is responsible for death. No longer are you a slave to its grip, but in that acceptance of your own death lies the greatest freedom.